No Dumping Without Permit

Some people believe that being related to or intimate with another person gives them the right to express their opinions and feelings at any given time. They feel that it’s a privilege earned or a sacrifice required from being close. They get to dump their thoughts and feelings on the people they love whenever they want to and the people they love are expected to listen.

Sometimes that person is “bursting” with good news. Other times they’re “bursting” with a complaint, a personal problem or worry. Or, they can’t stand it anymore; they just have to give you that advice that will “fix” your life. They mean well, they love you, but need to tell you what to do.

Afterward, that person feels relieved, unburdened. They “got it off their chest”, “dumped” it elsewhere.

But for the other person, the emotional “dumpee”, it may feel quite different – like they’re now carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Now there’s concern or worry for another person; or the seeds of self-doubt have been planted in their mind; or they’re saddened by the information they’ve been told. Whatever the reaction, their emotional state has been affected by the “dump.” It may ruin their day or even cause them to lose sleep.

In healthy close relationships, the right to “dump” on the one you love isn’t assumed to be a right or requirement. Instead, consideration of the other person’s needs, timing or readiness to listen is taken into account. Permission is requested. An appointment to talk may even be made. Here are some examples of how to share without dumping:

Do you mind if I tell you about something that’s been on my mind?
Is now a good time to talk about that suggestion I had?
When would be a good time to get together and let me give you an update?
Got a minute?

Reset/Reboot

All of us have bad days when we feel like we’re spiraling downward. Just like a computer, our software is hung up and going nowhere good. Maybe we’re stuck in a negative thinking pattern, fussing at ourselves for our imperfections. Or, maybe we’re reacting to a stressful situation or a negative person. Whatever the reason, we notice our body holding tension, our thoughts going faster and faster and we know that very soon we’re going to say or do something counter-productive.

It’s possible to stop yourself from reaching that point. It’s possible to stop the downward spiral, reset, and restart in a better mode. With a little experimentation you can figure out what works as your own personal reset button.

Some examples that may be helpful are listed below. Try them and see what works for you.

• Take a break, get away from the situation and go to another room

• Go outdoors for a breath of fresh air, take a walk, go for a run

• Exhale slowly, inhale slowly, repeat

• Sing or hum a song out loud or to yourself

• Distract yourself with an exertive task such as cleaning, mowing, straightening

• Distract yourself with an absorbing mental task like Sudoku or a crossword puzzle